Easter lunch...
My dad and I have a few minutes alone...
He proceeds to be the voice of doom...
He asks me how I think I can possibly live in Nashville and support a baby? How can I get to work on time? Whatever am I going to do? Do we have any relatives that live in Nashville you can live with?
I held my tounge. I let him talk. I have realized a long time ago, about the time I moved out of his house that his love for me is very genuine, his fears for me, genuine as well, however misguided they may be.
I couldn't help but think, Gee, I don't know... Leave early enough to beat the traffic? Like everyone else? As for living in Nashville I'll find a place I can afford in a relatively safe neighborhood. Isn't that what everyone does? You do what's best for your family. When the rubber meets the road, I am responsible for myself and my lil one. Me, myself, and I. No one else. Not Dad, not Mom, not my sisters, not my church family, not my extended family. Me. When my CEO called and asked me if I were interested in the position he offered me, I jumped at it. I want to get to Nashville. That's where I want to be. Bill, in the grand scheme of things, has nothing to do with Nashville. Commuting is always an option for us to be together. My advancement? Commuting with a baby is NOT an option.
I just couldn't help but remember the words my dad spoke to me less than a year ago when I was distraught and in tears. "Don't get so upset. The Lord's always been faithful." And He has. Oh, but I'm sure Dad doesn't think He's faithful to me. You see, I'm a sinner. And my dad's even telling my aunt and my grandmother so. He told my aunt I told him Bill and I are having sex (like I would tell my father that!). My grandmother asked me last time I saw her if Bill brought his little boy down to my house every weekend. I told her no (true) and asked her who was telling her all these things. She said she wasn't going to tell me anymore. It's really nice to find out you're getting sandbagged behind your back.
This Sunday Russ said that people were drawn to Jesus and yet they're repulsed by Christians. There's something wrong with that. I agree. He said God's not looking for religion, he's looking for relationships. He's looking for honest hearts. I'm not so sure my family liked that sermon. My dad even said he wished Russ had done an "Easter sermon". Russ' theme was "Discover Hope This Easter". What better hope could there be than a God that wants people and not religion? Honest hearts and not mindless followers (Take me to your leader...)?
This leads me to a quandry. Yesterday my lil one wanted to go to their house for the afternoon. I let her. She came back spoiled, which I know is grandparents right. However, when in their presence my authority is stifled, which is why I moved out in the first place. I finally did get her home, and when I laid her down and kissed her goodnight, she asked for two more kisses, then she told me she loved me and she loved her daddy. I love hearing that. It means I've done my job. I refuse to damage her image if her father in her eyes. She even said last night that she wanted to go see him. I told her he was going to come see her this summer. She said, "Yeah, this summer!"
And when it all comes down to it, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I think they are doing wrong. It doesn't really matter what they think I'm doing wrong. At this point, all that matters is me and my lil one. She and I are in this together. My sister once told me when you got out into the real world family was "all you got". She forgot to add the disclaimer, "Until you do something they don't agree with and piss them off." They hide behind the facade of concern for my soul but miss the point of it all together. So God is sending people our way. People I never expected that are becoming family. People like the family that has a disabled daughter of their own but have been there for us when she's been sick. People like an old friend of my dad's who was also divorced and had the same trouble with her parents. People like my very best friend who has been there for me for 25 years. Friends who I cannot begin to describe.
My late grandfather always simply said, "Everything's guna be alright." I think he's right. My cousin and I both wish we could still talk to him. She and I both agree that what he would say would not necessarily be what everyone thinks he would say. I guess we'll never know. I do know this much. He believed in reading and studying on his own. And I do too. And I will continue to.
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