I. AM. ANGRY.
My family has long been a source of stress for me. Especially since I came back home and divorced they have been more of a stress than a help. Don't get me wrong, they have helped. They gave me a place to run to, my mom has kept my lil one when I needed a sitter, they helped financially, but it seems it always comes with some sort of string that I need to make the choices they would make. I have not made choices that they would have made, nor would they necessarily approve of, and they continue to make that known. There are things that have happened that appall me to no end.
Last August my father looked me in the eye and told me that I would never have enough money to move out on my own or finish school. That was on a Tuesday. I signed my apartment lease on Friday. I was already enrolled in school and just now finished my second of four semesters left on my BA. This was after a month of high tension and clashing viewpoints. It was his house. I was grateful to have somewhere to run to, but we'd overstayed our welcome.
Two weeks after my birthday last year I was sandbagged by my parents and my sister informing me that they were concerned for my daughter's safety, even going so far as to accuse Will of being a child molester when he has NO criminal record whatsoever and they have spent no time talking to him. They refuse to. They did this because I had allowed him to stay over in my apartment. They were angry I would do such a thing. They even suggested that if they thought my lil one to be in true danger they would take her away. That was the beginning of the end for me. I cooled down for a few days and then wrote a letter respectfully telling them nothing of that sort would ever happen again. That was non-negotiable. For three months until I was satisfied my daughter was not in danger of being kidnapped by her own grandparents, they were not on her daycare pick up list either.
Thanksgiving and Christmas were decided that my parents would be at my sister's house, a stay at home mom the Atlanta area. This was decided back in September. This is the first set of holidays I have been in the area in three years due to my exhusband being stationed in Colorado. This effectively told me if I wanted to be with my family at all, I would have to travel 8 hours with traffic to Atlanta. I had just started a new job six months before and been out with my lil one with earaches pretty often. This was pretty unrealistic. I chose to instead for Thanksgiving go meet my boyfriend's family in Tennessee and then was invited to spend Thanksgiving with my dad's sister's husband's family. My sister, I later found out, complained that I "ran to [my aunt's name] complaining." During Christmas, that was, too, spent with my boyfriend and his family. In Nashville. 44 miles from my home. Not 8 hours. I actually had to go in twice while I was on "Christmas holiday" from work. It was a good thing I was CLOSE.
My great-grandmother passed in January. I felt badly about taking off for the funeral, as I had been out with my lil one sick but some things you just do for family. My boss understood. Things were all good. Yes, Bill was with me at the funeral. My uncle? Shook his hand, said "Hey big man!" smiling. My Nana? Gave him a big hug. My mom? Said hi. My sister? Totally avoided him until she couldn't anymore and then complimented his suit. What really saddened me was that my older sister put herself in the corner to nurse my nephew and gossiped about me to my cousin (the only other divorcee in the family, she and I kinda survive together) DURING the funeral. My cousin just kept looking at me and smiling that "I can't get away from this but I love you" smile. I later found out that my sister kept telling my cousin she couldn't see how I couldn't see this (our relationship) was "not right". My cousin told her she needed to back off because she and my parents were already pushing me away because I had been through a lot. She said if she didn't quit they were going to loose me. She's right.
This same cousin is the one who told me my dad told my aunt and my nana "Buttercups told me her and Will are having sex." I almost choked on my own tongue. 1. I do not discuss my sex life (or lack there of) with my father. 2. I love being lied about. I later found out from my little sister he corrected himself by saying that he had asked me if we were and I didn't say anything so he assumed we were. I remember that day. And I did not answer him because I thought the question was out of line and it was none of his business one way or the other.
I brought my lil one to a restaurant after church to meet up with my parents and my lil sister. When my mother saw Will was with me she drove away. It took me awhile to realize she was only punishing herself. My lil one was spoiled by my dad and my sister while there. My mom is the one who missed out on seeing her grandchild.
A few weeks ago my mom kept my lil one, volunteered even, and then the next day we spent the day together, Will, my lil one, his lil son, and I. I almost fell over. We shared a meal, hung out at the house, she even pushed his lil one in the swings. She's making an effort and I appreciate that to no end.
What angered me more than anything is this:
Last weekend I went to look at apartments on Saturday. I had this planned for a week and a half. The Mother's Day celebration plan had changed three different times. I finally decided to do what I could do with Mother's Day and stick to my plans. I got a text message from my cousin Sunday that said, "I hear we're both living in sin now." My cousin is renting space from a guy friend of hers. I have not moved anywhere and have been looking at apartments to be near Will. Hmmm... So now they've decided I'm living in sin. A single mom friend on here told me, "Oh honey, we all live in sin, everyday."
Today I was talking to my Nana. I am thinking about moving to Nashville to be near Will. Notice I said NEAR Will. "Will Will move in with you? I've been thinking about that..?" She asked me. She's 82. She worries over every little thing. I mentioned it to Will and he said, "Well, someone had plant that thought in her head." He's right.
It doesn't matter what I do. They will put me under a microscope. And the hardest part is I know they love me. I know it's hard. However, what really hurts is that they can't let go and simply let me be their adult child and enjoy the time we have now. They are fast alienating me. And in alienating me they are alienating my daughter.
Today my preacher, Russ, spoke about simple church. In his lesson he made the point that in love there is no fear. If that is true, what is going on with my family? I have fear that if I make a choice they don't like my daughter will have to grow up without grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins. Jesus said we need to stop straining gnats and swallowing camels. It just seems like that is what my family is doing. And for years I did the same thing. Russ said that we argue all the time about style of worship/elements of the Lord's Supper/etc when we don't focus on Loving the Lord your God with all your heart and loving your neighbor as yourself.
People are drawn to Jesus and replused by Christians. Why? Read the above. I was raised in church. By Christian parents and family.
Will said tonight he doesn't want to be the rift. I told him he is not. He said that I say that but if I were just dating random guys and happened to have sex with them, I'd be okay, but because I'm in a serious relationship with a man (him) they do not agree with for his past that I may or may not be having sex with, I'm not and I'm going to be sent to hell if I stay with him.
And nowhere in any of this have they thought to consider that I DO have mine and my daughter's best interests at heart. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't watch her closely, and myself, and weigh everything. This is something I doubt they do. They see "red flags" about "sin" and discount everything else. But, like my friend said, we're all living in sin, whether we like it or not.
Wow, that was long. But it helped to get it off my chest. Sometimes just writing it all out helps.
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