Let me set the scene for you. It's Christmas Day afternoon. Bill, C, and I are in the car, heading to get the girls in Clarksville. We had opened presents that morning. Santa had brought C her dad's presents from Korea (nice of the big guy to drop 'em off) and there were other presents too. I had purchased Bill the complete season of West Wing on DVD. He was estatic.
He had been engrossed in the special packaging and literature that came with the series most of the morning. I had never seen the series, so I figured it was something we could enjoy together. He is generally hard to shop for, so I felt victorious. He had apologized to me, saying he hadn't gotten me anything. He had been on call rotation for two days, working until midnight both days. The week before he had bought me a card reder/writer to make my digital frame work. I was really excited to finally take that to my office. But he insisted he was a horrible spousal unit and needed to get me something else. I knew the situation. I was okay with it. Besides, he gave me some time and attention. Sometimes that's worth more than a gift.
Later when we were on our way to get the girls we exited the interstate to get something to eat. He started ruffling through my things, trying to find some kind of nail acutrements. "Do you have clippers or anything to do your nails with?" I pointed to the console and said, "There might be some tweezers in there."
"You're such a MAN," he groaned. I was perplexed. A few minutes later I told him that I used to keep a full acrylic nail set and he shot back, "Yeah, and you used to dress nice for me too." I was taken aback. I hadn't really thought about it. We drove on down the road and I mentioned how my hair was getting longer. "Yeah, it looked BAD when you cut it, by the way." I felt boxed in. Finally I said, "Wow, honey, it's Christmas Day and all you got me was a list of all the things wrong with me. Thanks!" He laughed, I laughed. Then he looked at me and said, "Wow, I really am an asshole, arent' I?"
"Sometimes," I agreed. But I knew he still loved me. I knew he still found me attractive. However, it rattled around in my brain all day. The next morning I got up, helped prepare for our family that was coming over, and got dressed. I dressed up in black slacks, a red accented tank, and then a fancy black shirt over, you know, that layered look. I did my hair, wore my new silver snowflake necklace, and did my makeup. When it came time to run to the store for the inevitable things we'd forgotten, I picked up some stick on nails until I can get them done again. Why? HE WAS RIGHT. I used to dress up for him. I used to do my make up all the time for him. I used to make sure I had mascera on to show off my green eyes he loved to see in the sunlight. Lately? Things get busy. Life gets in the way. It's very easy to slip into a comfortable situation where you assume just because someone promises they do love you that means they always see you as your best and they don't notice you haven't shaved your legs in a week.
And don't get me wrong, he's got some flaws too. (He'll pass out to read that one!) We've both gained weight. He farts and belches all the time and there are many times he and I both get engrossed in our computers and sit in silence at night. I told him once there were times I missed my old teeny apartment in my old town because at least there we were forced to interact. We would lay down at night, talk, joke, share things about our day. We do that now, but sometimes our days are long and we simply want to sit in silence. Oh, and have I mentioned he's an asshole? ;) I knew that going in, but sometimes he's more of an ass than even I can take. So I tune him out. That's not good either. I'll remind him of things he said to me once and he'll say, "I said that? Seriously? Me?" That's when I toss a pillow at him and tell him to quit being an ass.
Relationships are about give and take. You decide what you will and won't accept. You compromise on the rest. You fall in love with someone hoping they don't change... And they don't. You just get to know them, truly. And then you really have to decide if you really love them or not. And you know what? Extra weight, farts, belches, honesty, and all, I love him. Honesty is something that is so precious nowadays, the rest is something I will accept.
I once said, when my father asked me if I was pushing this relationship, I told him timeline be damned, he's the best person that's ever happened to me. He asked me one time when we had fought if I loved him. I told him yes. He begged me, "Then believe me". So I believe him. When he tells me he loves me even though on Christmas Day he has just given me a list of what is wrong with me, I believe him. When we first started dating seriously we asked some very serious questions. The one that was the deepest to me was, "Why should I love you?" His answer to me? "Because I am the man who will be there for your joys and your sorrows, your smiles and your tears."
So yes, he was right. And he still is. He's there. And he's on my side. And that, is a great Christmas present.
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