Real Friends

There are some friends you just keep up with. Friendship, like a love relationship, is a balance between what each person will and won't accept. A good girlfriend of mine and I had a conversation yesterday and we vented to each other about all manner of things. Then we got to talking about how the type of friends we want to be doesn't really seem to exist anymore with the advent of isolation. With Facebook, Myspace, text messaging, and all the other wonderful electronic communication that has become so popular true friendship and closeness seems like too much work. In person there's no "ignore" button. In person there's no "block" function.

She made the comment that the women around her that should be convenient to be friends with and she aren't close. She said either she doesn't have what they need or they can't give her what she needs. Then she proceeded to run through her list of characteristics she considers makes a good friendship. She said if she's your friend she wants to have a general idea of your schedule. This tells her when it's ok to call or drop by and not. She wants to have a general idea of what's going on in your life, so she can be there for you when you need her to. She wants to be able to call and vent without fear of judgement and anger. She wants to let you be there for her and she wants to be allowed to be there for you. I added at this point that grace should be desired for those times when women are, well, women, and bitchy and reclusive. This excludes the users that only want to be your friend when they want you to walk their dog or something else equally errand worthy. No tending your garden of friendship, i.e., investing the time to get the returns, no friendship.

Are some of these characteristics she mentioned stalkerish? I would suppose, on some level. Then again, anything could be considered stalkerish given the right interpretation. I have no desire to be anyone's mom when I agree that I want a general idea of your schedule and when you're going out of the country if we're "bffs". I think that is a common courtesy. I'll tell you my schedule, you tell me yours. I'll tell you about my issues with my parents. You tell me yours. I'll tell you about how much in love I am with my partner, you tell me what's going on in your love life (or not going on, as the case may be). It's a tit for tat. A reciprocation. And I think it's necessary for true, close friendship.

In my life I consider my friends family. I truly believe friends are the family you choose. My home has always been open to my friends. My resources have always been at their disposal if needed. My desire is that I choose friends that have the same attitude. I don't want to choose friends of convenience, although those are easier. I want friends who keep me involved. Not friends that don't talk to me for two weeks and then ask me to do them a favor. That's not a friend. That's an opportunist.

What do you do when a true friend falls back into that opportunist category? That's something I struggle with. The magic is gone. The fun, the closeness, the trust, is gone. How do you make that transition? What do you do when you pick up the phone to text them and remember they really don't care anymore? And people grow and change. Maybe you just outgrew each other. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. How do you handle that?