Current mood:reflective
Category: Romance and Relationships
I first heard/saw this song Thursday before Mother's Day. I love Taylor Swift's honesty and way she can just articulate her songs in a relatable way. I also cried my eyes out when I heard this song. My mom and I haven't spoken since I followed through on my promise to my father that if he ever said he wanted to take my child again he would not be allowed to see her. Since my divorce my mantra has been "People treat you the way you allow them to." This is a very courageous and lofty ideal, but it has also cost me some things. It is never acceptable for someone to say they want to take your child. I have stood by that statement and, thusly, lost my parents. And because I lost my parents I am not allowed to contact my 17 year old little sister. It probably cost me my first job post-divorce as I refused to allow one of the hot shot real estate agents to speak to me like I was a waitress at a strip club. (There's nothing wrong with waitressing anywhere, but I believe I, like everyone else, deserves respect.) It has cost me the respect of my current (for one more day) CEO since I was 18 months without a raise and went out and found my own raise in the form of a new job. But I do not regret it. It is very true that people treat you the way you allow them to and I am no exception. For years I was a doormat. No more.
You never know how strong you are until you have no other option and lately I have had no other option. Without Bill I'm not sure I would have made it. He has been my rock. But I know, deep down, I am a strong individual. A few years ago a friend of mine told me, "Allison, you're a strong woman. You're stronger than those antidepressant drugs you lean on." He was right. I used those drugs and my diagnosed disorder as an excuse not to do things or be strong and take care of business. In the past year since removing the toxic feelings of guilt and "not good enoughs" from my life I have come completely off my meds, held down a full time job while completing my degree ON TIME (the last semester I took 18 hours), and cultivating a wonderful family life. I am stronger than I ever thought possible. But I'm still a crybaby.
I cry at the drop of a hat most times. This video was no exception. Last night C and I went to get some ice cream at the local Dairy Queen. When I handed her her soft serve with the signature DQ curly cue on top I told her, "Eat the curly cue first, that's the best part!" My sincere hope is I can not only raise a daughter, with the help of her father and Bill, that knows the big, important values, but also I can raise her appreciating the little things, like picking flowers outside, or knowing what the best part of the ice cream is to eat first. You see, those little lessons are just as important as the large ones.
In the last verse Taylor sings about when she was three and in that video her mom is the prettiest lady she's ever seen. I always thought that about my mother too. I hope one day we can come together again and enjoy this time we have left together without judgement. It is hard to realize you can love someone so much but cannot see eye to eye and enjoy your time with them. As I said in my response to my father's letter telling me goodbye he sent certified mail, my daughter will know about the good times with him and mom. Those are the important ones.
Any lessons you want to make sure to teach YOUR children?
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