I got a call last night from a friend of mine. It was really nice to hear what she had to say. She was just telling me to remember I'm the mom and I'm the one that has C's best interests at heart. We talked quite awhile. She is going through some issues with her parents too regarding her child. They're not trying to take her away but they are clashing regarding what they think should happen versus what she thinks (or knows) is the best for her daughter. And even though I truly feel like we have a huge family, the truth is I am ultimately only responsible for one child, my biological one. It's up to me, every decision, every call, every possible conceived plan of action, it's up to me. Bill is wonderful to support me but in the end it's just me.
She asked me if I was willing to loose my mom. My answer was that I am willing to loose anyone who is that angry I won't adhere to their religious beliefs and wants my child taken away. I don't need that kind of cancer in my life. Bill thinks I should confront my father but the truth is it won't change his mind. Nothing will change him or his way of thinking. I would just as soon have nothing to say to him. I truly feel like there's been a death in my family. While I'm not second guessing my decision, I am sad. At one time I counted him among my best friends. I respected him. I thought he was so wise!
I've been subdued that past couple of days. And angry. And sad. I'm trying not to lash out at anyone who doesn't deserve it. Last night I soaked in a hot bath, hoping that would help. It did relax my body, but my mind was still going. I couldn't sleep last night. And when one thing bothers me, everything else does too. Things that normally don't matter are irritating the crap out of me. Things will turn back up, I just need to remember to keep my mouth shut until then or I'll say something I don't mean and later will regret.
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