I hate you. Happy Father's Day

I hate you. I just feel like telling you. I hate how you make me feel guilty for all the things that aren't really wrong or incorrect. I hate how I let you make me feel inadequate and unworthy because you always have. I hate that you have that power over me. I hate how you were always concerned about the minute details of life and not enjoying life with your girls. I hate how you made my mom write us a letter apologizing for undermining your authority when you weren't ever there to be a real father. I hate how you were a workaholic. I hate how you weren't there for most of the important things in my life. And when you were you cut out early or made me feel guilty that you had to be there. I hate you for waking me up in the middle of the night to fill up the ice trays. I hate you for waking me up in the middle of the night to straighten my wet washcloth so it would dry evenly. I hate how you would passive aggressively throw things away rather because I was a kid and I didn't realize your huffing and puffing equaled you were angry that things were left out those few hours you were home to notice them. I hate you for making me afraid to try to do simple things on my own in front of men because it was never right. I hate you for making me afraid to figure simple things out on my own like how to sweep efficiently, or hammer, or shovel because you were always there behind me telling me I wasn't doing it right and this was the correct way. I hate you for making me this way so that Intri gets frustrated with me when we work together. We are a great team but you're always there in the background, telling me I'm not good enough and I'm not doing it right. Hell, I hate the fact that you think you're superior and right all the damn time. I hate that you're not open to any opinion but yours because you KNOW you're right. I hate that you shoved church and God down my throat so that I feel guilty for EVERY teeny tiny thing I do. I hate that I was never good enough. I hate that I was never pure enough. I hate that I never fit your mold of a "perfect daughter" even though I exhausted myself trying to. Exhausted myself so much that I was on antidepressants at sixteen. I hate that you wouldn't let the doctor put me on birth control when I was young because of my painful periods. I hate that I had to suffer eleven years before I could talk to a doctor about my issues and get REAL medical help. I hate you for damaging my fertility by ignoring the medical treatment I so desperately needed. I hate you for instilling in me a desire to work all the time and a guilt for playing anytime. You said it yourself, mom and you did a REAL good job of teaching us to work, but a shitty job of teaching us to play. How about no job at all? Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm bitter. I come by that honestly enough. I hate that you feel you're well within your rights to continue to try to raise me and my daughter. I'm 27 years old. You had your chance. It's too late now. I hate you for making me think I'm not worthy because I don't fit your ideal. Here's a newsflash: I never did. I never fit in. I was your odd duckling. And instead of recognizing and nurturing that in me, you shunned it. You insisted I conform. You made me feel like I wasn't worth living at all because I never was what you wanted me to be. Straight As I worked my ass off for got a "that's nice". Working my ass off at everything I did was never enough. "There's always work to do. I don't ever want to see you standing around with your hands in your pockets." To this day I can't rest with my hands in my pockets. I hate you for thinking you were right to push my mom down in front of me and my baby sister. I hate you for thinking you were right to kick my baby sister out of your way during an argument with mom. I hate you for being an overbearing, always right, never wrong, emotionally abusive individual who spent more time with other people's children at school than you ever did at home.



That's enough negativity for today. I have two beautiful little children that are playing the rainy day away upstairs, a home that needs to be cleaned, and a wonderful spousal unit on his way home to me. Then we'll spend a day working together, as equals, doing whatever it is we want to do TOGETHER EQUALLY. We'll feed from each others strengths and off set each others weaknesses, and when we lay down tonight in the same bed, happy? We'll still love each other as much as the first time we said it to each other. My life is not your life. It is not your choices. It is my life and my choices. And if you can't meet me halfway and still enjoy a relationship with me, that's your problem. I hate it for you.



You made me the woman I am today. You made me strong. You made me resilient. You made me unapologetic. You made me a survivor. I hope you're gratified. Happy Father's Day.