Tonight is just one of those...

Tonight it was of those nights when I wish I didn't care so much about my family. Tonight is one of those nights when I wish I could just toss the kids off on a sitter and go raise hell at a bar or club. Throw off some steam. Let my hair down. Generally raise a ruckus. Tonight is one of those nights when I relive times that I truly wasn't as happy as I am now but had brief moments of euphoria. They were usually induced by tequila, but I digress. Tonight is just one of those nights when I wish I wasn't a responsible, mature adult who cared about her impact on her children and society.

And those times in the past I enjoyed weren't fulfilling. They weren't the solution to what my soul was aching for. But dammit, they were fun. And I have fun now. But alas, I'm pretty sure seasonal affective disorder has grabbed a hold of my brain and won't let go. In the past I would have just upped my medication and gone about my life. Now I simply try to cope by keeping my mouth shut in order to not hurt the ones I love. I feel more alive and less in a fog without the meds but sometimes I'll be honest. I miss them. I miss being able to blame them for, well, everything. My smile was empty and I had no joy, but that was okay because it wasn't my fault.

Tonight, I just want to have a beer, relax, and maybe reminisce about things I have moved on from. They weren't all bad experiences. I guess they're worth reliving occasionally. Because without that journey, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. And she's a pretty bad ass chick.